e-quip

The first online dictionary I came across defines this word as: "supply with the necessary items for a particular purpose" or "prepare (someone) mentally for a particular situation or task".

Yes, these definitions line up perfectly when I think of what it means to equip someone for something they are going to do.

And... many, if not most of us, have heard this:

"He doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called."

I use this well known quote in my book,112 Days, in Chapter 2. And I add that it just didn't work that way for me in the season of caregiving for my dad.

See, I thought "equip" would look like this picture. Here we have a seriously committed hiker, who has a plethora of hiking gear and tools and clothes, and we can't see shoes, but I'm sure they are the best quality hiking boots. She has all the physical equipment she needs.

Also, it's pretty obvious that said hiker here has reached a certain level of mental equipping too, carrying all that on her back, mentally focused, prepared and ready and willing to brave the elements and sacrifice comfort, rest, predictable outcomes, convenience, and ease.

She didn't begin here. She didn't just wake up one day with all this clothing and equipment that magically appeared. She didn't just put those weather ready clothes on, efficiently pack everything and fasten it securely, fully mentally prepared to take off on a days-long hike. No, she started small, probably years ago, hiking short distances, building up endurance and strength over time. A long time.

Now, after all this building up of knowledge and strength, she's equipped for a long hike and ready to enjoy the beauty of nature while minimizing the risks and staying alert and aware of her surroundings.

This is what I thought "equip" meant for all situations. Being fully prepared. Having everything possibly needed for the task at hand. Typically, becoming equipped takes time.

That is, until you add the supernatural element, when God chooses to equip someone for something. "He doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called." I thought when faced with a situation I was not already equipped for, God would equip me like that hiker. I'd supernaturally have everything I needed for whatever I faced, instantly, or maybe through a brief progression in which He would build my confidence and understanding.

And I have had times in my life where that happened. Times when I faced an unexpected, difficult, and scary situation, and God equipped me with peace, knowledge, and calmness to miraculously handle what I would have allowed to slip through my trembling fingers on my own.

But in my caregiving journey, this is not what I experienced at all. Quite the opposite.

Close to a year after my dad passed away, I had a day when all the old painful memories surfaced, so I did what I usually do - went straight to my journal. This entry is included in Chapter 7 of the book. Here is a portion of it:

A vast, incomprehensible, impossibly rocky,  dark, and steep path with shards of glass everywhere, and I’m barefooted. It’s freezing,  the wind is blowing and howling, and it’s snowing, and I have no jacket, and my shirt is sleeveless, and I’m in shorts. I’m in a blizzard in the middle of winter, and there really is no path at all, no indication of which way is the way forward.

I faced this alone. With no tools, and without even the right clothing for the occasion. No shoes—when I should have been dressed like an Eskimo, and I should have had my hiking boots on, you know, the ones I don’t own.

So, I was a hiker who obviously knew nothing about hiking. I didn't even know I was going on an endurance-testing hike, much less in those conditions. It was like I was dreaming of a walk in the meadow on a warm, sunshiny day, and I woke up in a blizzard navigating rocky and sharp terrain.

Hmmm. That doesn't sound like what God's equipping should look like. But what if...

What if the definition of "equip" can undergo significant changes when it's a part of the supernatural world? What if, in God's sovereignty, He sometimes allows struggling, floundering, feeling lost and alone, experiencing confusion, pain, frustration and angst?

Why? Why would He do that? I have no idea.

But I do know that when I look back on this season from the other side, I see how He was with me the entire time, even though I felt completely abandoned. Yes. Now I can see Him and His beauty that was not visible in the darkness, and it's breathtaking.

Others need to know that it's in times of intense struggle that the most growth toward God can happen. It doesn't make the struggle easier, but it does offer a glimpse of bright hope, something to hold fast and look forward to. With the end of your dark season comes opportunity to allow your perception to shift and see the love God has for you at an entirely new level. His brilliance from your darkness.