My Loaves and Fish - His book

I’m in the midst of the editing process for a book.

Wow. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence!

On the one hand, it’s exciting, to see the beginnings of a long held dream becoming reality.

But on the other hand…I’m going through a thing. It’s probably a common thing that authors go through, but this is my first rodeo so it’s all new to me.

It’s unsettling. Scary. Fear producing.

Second guessing, wondering, worrying, fretting.

Overthinking…something I do quite regularly, but this is a whole new level!

This book…is it anywhere near good enough writing to hold a reader’s interest? What will readers think? How will they respond? Will they think how I felt throughout my struggle was just super dramatic over reaction? Will they see my dad as a monster, when he was just an aging man overcome with dementia? Will they see me as super naïve and more clueless than they could ever imagine anyone being? Will they think some of the chapters about the logistics of hospice and caregiving are boring? Will they give up and not read the book all the way through because it’s just too much work to wade through all the details?

And...What will people think who know me and/or knew my dad? Will they think my pain and frustration and depression and isolation happened because I brought it all on myself? Will they think I should have handled everything differently?

Oh my, how the cycle becomes vicious so quickly as I allow it to continue, and my mind starts spinning faster and faster. It’s heading toward light speed I think.

I have a choice here. And I’ve decided that I’m done. Done with running around in useless hopeless defeated circles that are nothing but detrimental, useless, and exhausting.

I know I must slow down this tornado of fear and doubt. I must put the brakes on questioning what I have poured so much into.

This book is my heart, during the worst time of my life: 112 days in the role of caregiver for my dad. It’s deeply personal. It’s messy. It’s honest and unfiltered. It’s completely vulnerable writing about a very real and painful struggle. Real to me, real in me, real through me.

My steps are slowing… my running full out is coming back to a slower steady rhythm. And that rhthym is changing from running to walking to a gradual, calm stop. Why? Because I am choosing to remember. I choose to reach down deep and remember what I know.

I know that this book is the result of a calling I clearly had from God. He gave me this dream along with instructions for future follow through. This book is His. For Him, to Him.

This book is not about how many copies I sell, or even about what people who choose to read it think about it, or think about me.

This book, first and foremost is about obedience to God.

It’s also about my deep longing to help others. This is my secondary reason for writing it.

I long to help others to see that no matter what their struggle is, they are never alone. To see that it’s OK not to be OK, even if they are professed Christ followers who, like me, knew all the “right answers” – answers that just were not helpful during that time.

I long for current and future caregivers to see some practical information about caregiving that I truly did not know, just in case they find themselves as lost as I was when I took on this role.

I long for all readers to see the truth of the well-used but valid saying: “God is good, all the time, all the time, God is good”. It might be over-used, but it’s no less true.

And finally, I long for all readers to see how beauty shines bright after deep darkness.

But… if this longing to write this book to help others does not play out like I envision... if not even one person benefits from what they read in my heart pages…

If the only people who purchase the book are a handful of family members and friends who do it to support me more than anything else…

That would be really disappointing, but I need to have my focus on God so that I would remember the main thing.

Obedience to what God clearly guided me to do is the main thing.

A wise friend told me that it’s about me bringing my loaves and fish, as Dallas Jenkins of The Chosen is fond of referring to.

My job is to bring my loaves and fish and present them to Him obediently. God provides the results that fit into His perfect plan.

Lord, Here are my loaves and fish, I offer them humbly and appreciatively. Use them. Use me.