No Trophy Here

It’s just not fair.

I work so hard. I do this so well, better than anyone I know, and, well, better than unknown people too, because I’m just that good. Not that I’m bragging about myself, of course; that would be prideful.

I pour all I am into this. Everyone else who puts in sweat equity and works hard – all those fortunate people - they get to go to these competition things where the winner gets rewarded with a nice shiny trophy, maybe a nice medal on a patriotic ribbon, and/or even some money!

No competition is held for what I do. There doesn’t need to be a competition because I’m hands down the best. Not that I’m bragging about myself, of course.

But still, I should get something great for all my efforts. So, where’s my trophy for being the best at this?

Ah… now that I think about it, there are actually several dull, dark, ugly trophies. Otherwise known as: Stress, Exhaustion, Fear, and Angst.

Well see here! I don’t want those kinds of trophies! They’re not trophies for a winner. Not fair!

But then, I stop and sigh, because I know why these are the only trophies for my extreme diligence at this thing I do best. Really, this thing I excel at is not anything to be proud of. There are no winners at this, and the losses are many, heavy, and cumbersome.

So what is this thing that I do so well?

Overthinking.

I’m the greatest, most adept, and most expert at this. I’m the Overthinking Champion of the World. But there’s no acclaim. No accolades. No applause. Just an inexplicable need to feed the chaos I create when I do this, so that it grows and grows and morphs into trophies that aren’t trophies and adds to the stack of “not trophies” that take up space that should be used for something else. Most anything else.

Overthinking… It is such hard work. Hard work is good. But this is useless hard work. Useless hard work is bad in so many ways. I know this, so why do I still pour myself out when my efforts won’t produce anything good or helpful? Why do I feel such a deep need to be prepared that I exhaust myself like this?

Prepared… why is it so vitally important to me that I am always prepared? Prepared…for what? When I boil it down to bare bones, here it is: I try so hard to be prepared for future unknowns. Especially unknowns that are attached to how other people will react to something I do that will affect them.

This is my extreme attempt to remove hard situations from my life before they happen. This is crazy effort for pain moderation and if possible, pain avoidance. How sad, and even worse, how all about me.

Overthinking… Oh, it’s so good at being bad. It can seem so sincere. It talks earnestly to me. It tells me that if I just keep trying I can figure out all the possible scenarios – so I can practice in my head how to handle each one just so, to keep everything smooth and easy and predictable, and to keep everybody happy.

Ha. Sounds exhausting, right? It is. But I do it anyway. There’s this invisible vortex that yanks me inside before I know I’ve been grabbed. I just appear there as if by some bad magic, and I find myself caught up completely in this crazy fast flying around cycle. A cycle that is me running around frantically with purpose that is really aimless meandering, but at warp speed.

When I'm presented with a situation I don't know how to handle and God does not give me a neon sign answer, I know I still have to move forward. But I don’t know which direction to go, and I’m afraid to just make a decision and move that way. So I panic and try to fill in all the gaps by playing these useless mind games.

Hello, only God is omniscient. No one knows what will happen in the future except Him. And

He knows all that is in the past and all that is in the present too. He knows all, about all.

I know this. But I don’t KNOW this. You know?

Acknowledgement is at least a first step. I acknowledge that I do what I should not do and don't want to do. I can say with the apostle Paul: For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Rom 7:19 ESV

I long to move past this propensity to overthink and trust God more and step into new situations and make decisions based on truth. Truth that no matter what, I am not alone in any situation. God goes before me, with me, and behind me. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me. Ps 139:5 ESV I'm impatient to move from acknowledgement to life change. But this is a process.

The peaceful confidence I seek will not magically appear when I am finally flying past the finish line. Instead, the reward for victory is in the light that is present throughout my race of life, in those moments when I choose to open my eyes to see it. I can look forward to a future time filled with future grace when the light will be continuous and brilliant and beautiful. But in the meantime, I will work on opening my eyes to see His light more often, and store up memories of light filled moments to replace my dull, dark, ugly trophies. It's amazing how His light shining on my "not trophies" makes them disappear.