I have this super strong propensity that originated long ago. Because fear likes to drive my life and I wrestle with it often, I make a gargantuan effort on a regular basis to keep an important component of my life activated and in good condition.
Let's call it my "safety net". I am hyper-vigilant to make sure it's not frayed or torn and you can find me often with my tools out mending it and/or reinforcing it where there is any sign of possible weakness. It's painstaking, exhausting work. But I know that I must have it always at the ready for any action that invokes anything less than feelings of absolute security. So, I pull it out and set it up often.
I fancy myself as an acrobat of sorts. Like one of those big top circus performers, flying through the air doing all manner of cool stuff, and way below me is this small safety net, you know, just in case. That makes sense, right? Justified.
But wait. The visual I just described is maybe just a bit off from reality. Just a bit, you know?
It turns out that just a bit off is actually a lot. Oops. What is paraded in front of you is not me in my snazzy blingy sparkly acrobat costume, but just me, running around and up and down and over and under all manner of things, but for the most part, I'm like, I don't know, maybe a foot off the ground. And, ok, and sometimes, I'm not above the ground at all.
Sidenote: Do you know how confusing and frustrating it is to set up a safety net on the ground? Make all these vain attempts to adapt it to do what it doesn't do?
So I'm approaching life as though I'm positioned far above the ground, when the truth is almost always much... lower. It's obvious I have some serious depth perception issues along with full on visual impairment. The real picture, much of the time, looks more like this one. (Isn't she a cutie?) Obviously, I don't need a safety net here.
But still... for full disclosure, if that were me in the picture, my hands would be on the safety net on the ground.
Now I hear your question. "What good is a safety net if it's on the ground?"
If you've read some of my blogs, you know that for me, feeling safe is more than just the common universal need that all humans have. It's far more than doing all I can to experience safety from legitimate threats and dangers.
I have maintained a smorgasbord of perceived threats and potential dangers over the course of my life. Most of them are not real and won't become real. But they love to pretend and wreak havoc, and they are always thrilled to come out and play. Some of them, already experienced, imagined, or brand new, do transform from possibilities into realities. These few threatened events that actually happen are the impetus for so much unneccesary effort.
But back to the question at hand - hmmm. OK, true, a safety net on the ground is useless and serves no purpose, no matter what new ingenuity I use to attempt to make it helpful. Bottom line: If it's on the ground it can't cushion a fall.
Reality check: I'm not an acrobat. (well, that's obvious, or it should be!) I'm not high up on a trapeze or whatever. Nope. I tend to do life from the ground or just above the ground. In my very ordinary daily life situations, a safety net is not needed. Truth.
But... Even mundane daily life with it's rerouting and adjusting and waves of unanticipated changes can be scary. So, I do all these crazy things anyway, and I imagine them combining forces to create this awesome near perfect rescue strategy, resulting in a life where I always feel safe and comfortable.
OK, I'll give you the real picture. I have an imaginary safety net. Well that's sad. How's that working for me?
Life is full of literal and figurative bumps and scrapes and bruises, and even some broken bones. They aren't fun, but they are part of living in an imperfect world. How I feel about that doesn't matter. Shouldn't matter.
Tell that to my mind. My mind is a hot mess. It likes to run. As in, run away with an idea. As in, an idea formed from a perceived or even future possibility threat. I'm immediately out of control. 0-100mph in a milisecond, before I can perceive what's happening. I'm running calculations and ideas and scenarios and varied responses at lightning speed. I tell myself I'm "preparing". Being prepared is a good thing. But I try to be prepared for EVERYTHING, in every way. And if I'm honest, I know preparation ideas don't wake you up at 2am and not allow sleep in your relentless search for the illusive "it" - the perfect solution for each scenario I come up with. When most likely, none of the scenarios are anywhere close to what reality will look like.
Are you tired yet? I'm exhausted.
So there's my runaway mind, and then add in my crazy over the top prioritizing of comfort. It's normal to want to minimize pain and situations that produce unease. But my runaway mind crafts all these scenarios that could be, might be, have the slightest provocation to be, dire to my comfort, and that won't do.
So, in all my imagined responses to all these scenarios I create, it's like throwing out the safety net that isn't, even when it has nowhere to go but the ground.
Not helpful. At all. Nah, really?
What is wrong with me? Wait, don't answer that. Allow me.
There's so much wrong here, and it would take numerous words and pages to unpack. Yet, it can all be succinctly stated in one sentence. This fear-driven response to life is a lack of trust in the sovereign God of the universe. Ouch.
My instinctive response is to ask, again, and again, "How do I fix this?" But that's the wrong question.
"How do I stop and sit before God and allow Him to be my guide?"
My overactive imagination needs to ditch the safety net that isn't and imagine this scene that is. Not literally, but no less real, because I can go here within my heart and soul. I need to allow God's Word to give it's perfect light that does not show me everything at once, but in small increments, because God knew the human mind could not handle more. I need to raise awareness of Holy Spirit nudges, those whispers of love to my soul. I need to sit at His feet, and listen. And I need to remember. Remember all He has graciously brought me through, and remind my heart that He won't stop. Ever. No matter what happens, I am always safe with God.
Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. (Ps 119:105, KJV)
I need to take one illuminated step at a time.
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